IELTS practice - Post 01

Estimados todos, como varios saben tengo que dar el examen IELTS lueguito y sacar arriba de 6 en promedio. Este examen tiene 4 partes: Listening, Reading, Writing and Speaking.
Me he encontrado con que es bastante mas dificil de lo que creia, pero bueno... hay que aperrar no mas.
El writing tiene 2 tasks, el primero es explicar un grafico, tabla, o algo similar y el segundo es el mas complicadito. Este consiste en escribir un ensayo acerca de un tema que ellos proponen... y preguntan weas cuaticas, he aquí mi primer ensayo del writing, obviamente no lo hice en los 40 minutos que dan y me costó caleta incluso no se si esta bien escrita la mierda en fin, sus comentarios son muy utiles. La pregunta era

Present a writte argument or case to an educated reader with no specialist knowledge of the following topic:

There are many different types of music in the world today. Why do we need music? Is the traditional music of a country more important than the International music that is heard everywhere nowadays?

You should write at least 250 words.
Use your own ideas, knowledege and experience and support your arguments with examples and relevant evidences

Here is my first attempt:

Music may be defined as the aesthetical combination of any kind of sounds. During the human era, music has played an important role in many different ways and especially in the creation of a universal language. The principal elements of this language are sounds, its features e.g. its frequencies; and how they are combined in order to create a musical piece. The universal characteristic of this language may be associated to the human auditory system and most probably to how the brain perceives the sounds and music. In the brain processes, the reason of this universality should be explained. Scientific research performed around the world has showed the formation of different activation patterns when people hear music. These patterns may be correlated with different feelings and this behaviour may be the cause and at the same time the answer to the question: Why do we need music? Thus, it is natural for people associated feelings with music and vice versa. We need music in order to feel and live experiences!!!

As well as exists a universal characteristic of music, exists a particular component also, which is strongly influenced by the geographic place and the cultural context. This particular component gives rise to the traditional music of every country. On the other hand, taking into account the current era, Internet and the globalization as an actual phenomenon, the human civilization tends to be more homogeneous and have similar tastes. Is in this context that the following question appears: Is the traditional music of a country more important than the International music that is heard everywhere nowadays? Such a difficult question!! First, it is necessary to define what international music is. A naïve answer is: the music made outside your country but I have access to this music by using internet, this music is played with the same musical instruments, follows the same compositional rules and so on. The second issue to be addressed is how to quantify the importance of the music. Maybe by using the charts and how many people know the respective music. I do not have an answer to the question but I know that the classification: international and national music does not make sense in the current time; however, it is a subject to be discussed. I believe there are no frontiers; I am citizen of the world.

Por favor, todo aquel que le pegue al ingles o esté interesado en el temita deje su corrección y comentario en la seccion de comentarios

Thanks in advance

Flaytech